a turn off. a let down.
that's what my blog will become.
cos that's what i'll be.
its no longer a matter of self-thought or pessimism. its now a fact. i see it everyday.
it was only the 3rd day of fp but i already felt like i've known the kids for ages. and i actually felt sick of seeing them. cos day in and day out, i see and hear the exact same things. complains. whining. crying. screaming. shouting. banging. it seems they never learnt how to speak softly. i've tried modelling and reminding, to no avail. it also drives me up the wall - the fact that my ear drums will burst one day due to the amount of wooden-block banging i hear everyday from other teachers. it makes me jump up from wherever i stand, but yet the kids can act as if they've never heard it. using a bell as a supposedly-effective classroom mangement tool is now completely out. they're immune to its volume. and even more so to their own volume. but i am not willing to compete with them on that. i am not a fan of high levels of noise.
worst of all, i feel helpless. i've seen lots of methods that even i myself have thought of being tried out in front of me. but still, some kids just RUN around the classroom like there's no tomorrow. it was so bad yesterday that i teared. i wasn't sure if its cos of fear, or cos of regret. and i don't want to turn into a frustrated bitch but i feel it coming.
i've been nice - like what i am to kids naturally (no kidding - i definitely mean it from the bottom of my heart), but it doesn't work on them. i realised that politeness - please and thank yous are useless. i was advised to be firm. but from what i see, i can't just be firm - i've got to be fierce - as fierce as everyone else. but i can't be fierce. it's not me - at least not in front of kids. i always believed they do not deserve to be screamed at (i always thought there had to be other ways). but it seems that the entire environment (inclusive of people in it) are working against that particular belief of mine. even if i could do it (be fierce) now, i can't do it for my supervision. so why be hypocritical in the first place? especially if its going to be so pointless. kids will notice the difference in my attitude and its not a long term benefit.
i've lived my life knowing what it is like to fear a fierce teacher - and i know i don't want to live the rest of my life knowing that i have had kids fear a fierce me.
i even wanted to borrow books for 'em. but they're just half-interested in storytelling. and even after their teacher taught them how to handle their books, they still end up like crap. they've stepped on them (i can't tolerate this so i obviously STOPPED those peepssss~!!!), thrown them around endlessly, even after the teacher explained about book care, and that we should "love our books like we love our parents".
plus - im quite sure i'll be the butt of jokes, and gossip tomorrow. having said i'm going home for dinner after fp, (i really did - after buying some food with doodoo), hola - i saw the teachers eating in front of me. how smart, how nice.
i also know its hard for everyone to understand what i'm going through, because they're not in my shoes. and i'm so sure - nobody would ever want to wear them.
i've never seen kids like that.
they've sat beside several classes before - toddlers and K1s, but they stick out like sore thumbs. because they're always on the run.
i even feel more relaxed when its time to go to school (NOT the centre). mind you, i've hated school all my life. and for the first time in my entire life, school is relaxing?!
i just don't know what's becoming of my world.
its as if i reached a dead end.
and i can have all the fun i want - basking in my tears.
bee at 8:57 PM
(0) hushy lil babies!
and i also spent too much of time crying about it, and wondering how the main character in the story is gonna live on after the book ends. (mind you! i cried over something that i couldn't even see - for the first time!)
basically, its about this girl whose husband had died a couple of months before she turned 30. she couldn't live without him and he knew it, so before his death he wrote 10 letters that Holly (his wife & the main char) could open - only one letter a month though. he did all sorts of sweet things - from buying a holiday for his wife & her friends to remembering small little things that needed to be done. every letter ended with PS I Love You. and almost everytime i read one of those letters i'd cry. i felt so sad for Holly's loss, and the sweeter her husband was, the worse i'd feel. The author was so good at tugging at my heartstrings!!! I was acting as if it was me who lost my husband x_X lol. but yeah, i could go on and on about this book. it is just fab. and totally feeling. it makes me want to appreciate the people around me even more. it was just SO realistic - i could picture the events in the book happening in real life. it was as if the author had been through it all.
you should've guessed by now that it's a bestseller. ;) many thanks to Cheryl for lending me the book - i am relieved that i didn't bend any part of it. LOLz. SO relieved.
and practicum has started wayyyyyy earlier than i hoped it would be :P i cherished every single day of my term break "holiday" knowing that i could be put on my deathbed anytime soon. LOL. ahh. the whole thing just makes me worry a hell lot.
well, if u stepped into the classroom, u'll understand why.
1. the space is just simply TOO HUGE. there are two group areas that are enough for 30 children AND MORE to sit in (notice, each group area is big enough for more than 30 children to sit in). and because of that, kids can run around and scream and shout like they always do. and the size of the room just magnifies it all.
2. the kids don't know how to speak softly even when told or modelled. they SCREAM and SHOUT all day long. despite providing reminders.
3. i shall skip the part about having endless energy. but do note that they all have problems getting to sleep.
4. i don't see any rules around. so quite obviously there's nothing for them to obey. i thought it was normal and COMMON for people to have basic stuff like "only one person talks at a time", but unfortunately, they live by "three people talk at any one time".
5. children: "teacher teacher! apple is where?" (directly translated from "ping guo zai na li?"
anyway, my field supervision date is set. and i'm worried like God knows what. as usual.
bee at 8:16 AM
(0) hushy lil babies!
some of e peeps in class (who were acting as kids) were supposed to go up to Rily and pick a fruit from the feely bag and then describe it in as much detail as they possibly could. someone picked up a banana.. and said in a suggestive tone of voice "ooh teacher, i like this fruit". it was so so so so so suggestive everyone got the hidden meaning. ahaha! we all know what it resembles.. *ahemz* ollo.
and then we caught sight of a G-string.. a highly worn one.. half of the "Triangle" could be seen.. with the string on the left side. which brings me to think about what wallie once said.. do girls really need a G-string to lend them some confidence? LOLz. the peeps who took the risk of getting sore eyes sorta roared with laughter when they saw it (we even have some booming ohohos in the middle of nowhere!). and even called more people over to share the fun. soon enough half the peeps in class knew that she's got sth stuck in between her buttcheeks. LOLz.
there was also the tomato that joey described.. round, smooth.. squeezable (?!?!). oosh whatever! if it wasn't suggestive people wouldn't have laughed their heads off.
so much for "sexayyy" stuff. LOLz. it just goes to show what peeps these days are thinking about. :P
hmmz. and i did my nails on mon with "the gang" at polished divas. oh damn it i didn't get to watch a movie at all! which made me feel (once again) that the package is overpriced. well in actual fact, it seriously is - if you compare it with Voxy's prices and selection of nail colours. Voxy!!! :) and i expected my nails to be of a similar colour to Voxy's Mysterious Blue - which i loved like no other. well they turned out to be this Electric Blue. the name "electric blue" came from like everyone's mouth and i don't know how. some said it was very x-men.. and so on. URGH. anyway, it was O.P.I's Blue My Mind. quite a nice name tho :) i was the 1st person to use that bottle of blue nail polish in polished divas and the manicurist seemed somewhat alarmed or shocked or i don't know what when i chose that colour - she even asked if i was sure i wanted it. my friends asked why i did blue.. in that "why of all colours?" tone.. well isn't it good to do blue once in a while? u know.. "once in a blue moon"? plus it matches my clothes any day of the week - because it matches my jeans :)
they also asked me why i didn't ASK for a DVD player to watch a movie. i was merely offered magazines, and when i didn't want them at all, she offered to bring them to me. was there any hint of a dvd player? nope. plus - there wasn't anymore in that section where we were all sitting at and i didn't know if there were any at the other section - cos there may be people using the players too as they were fully booked. all 3 of them were given one each.. without having to ask at all. and i highly doubt they'd thicken up their skin to go and ask for it - as much as they asked me to do so. if they put themselves in my shoes, they'd probably realise that asking for it may make themselves seem so desperate for it and therefore not do it at all.
how do i ever know that they too felt wasn't ok to ask even though they said i should? because if it was perfectly alright, they wouldn't have said that i should've asked for it earlier on only AFTER we ALL finished doing our nails (if it was really ok i felt they would've daringly and openly aired their opinions during or before everything - only things that make people paisae need to be kept till the ultimate end when we're off and out, no?) OR they probably would have asked for another one for their dumb friend who's sitting at the opposite side already.
maybe sometimes we really should ask ourselves if we would do something that we want others to do for us. and if we won't, then we should all just keep quiet and smile :)
at some point in time humans really need to be awakened with the fact that we're all selfish (though not all the time, but we definitely have selfish tendencies!). yes - WE.. and ALL of us. it is not always a bad thing. we simply want the best for ourselves - self love and obsession. and it is only a few who are able to spare a thought for others.. and who are able to see things in the viewpoints of others and remembering that a girl's besties deserve those yummy things too without having to remind themselves constantly. unfortunately, i'm still learning to do so. because i too am selfish sometimes.
i guess i'll never forget what my lecturer once said.. there's this boy who brought his new set of coloured pencils to school and ended up giving them all away to his classmates. if u're thinking that he's a saint without a single thread of selfishness in him, please kindly read on. and so she said.. "for a kid to learn how to share, he must first know what belongs to him". i can't exactly rem'ber the full thing, but i guess he thought that was sharing. so he shared to his heart's content.
back to where i was at - the parlour. i was SO totally bored. yeah. just bored. here's why - there was only her world (which i finished reading pretty fast cos i already read the previous issues at another beauty parlour), female and style magazines around - which focussed only on the season's picks on fashion and hardly anything more.. so there really isn't much point in reading their previous issues.
ahh anyway. doo eric and i helped alpha to paint his room (almost the whole of) the day before yesterday (i was sitting around most of the time cos there were only 3 rollers anyway! :X). and alpha's wowo was kewt :) his name is scruffy! which sounds like a word to describe his fur. its all messy and fuzzed up - not like your usual Jack Russell. and he is cute because i screamed in shock when i turned around and saw him and he ended up running away from me. LOLz. he also has a very stubby tail.. that wags and wags in delight! we also met his sisters.. who were pretty nice to us ^^.
it was anni yesterday! :) my supposed-to-be Medium-rare beef turned out to be RAW @ billy bombers. x_X and i will love their shakes even more if there were more cookie bits in it! XD
bee at 10:16 AM
(0) hushy lil babies!
cos that's what i'll be.
its no longer a matter of self-thought or pessimism. its now a fact. i see it everyday.
it was only the 3rd day of fp but i already felt like i've known the kids for ages. and i actually felt sick of seeing them. cos day in and day out, i see and hear the exact same things. complains. whining. crying. screaming. shouting. banging. it seems they never learnt how to speak softly. i've tried modelling and reminding, to no avail. it also drives me up the wall - the fact that my ear drums will burst one day due to the amount of wooden-block banging i hear everyday from other teachers. it makes me jump up from wherever i stand, but yet the kids can act as if they've never heard it. using a bell as a supposedly-effective classroom mangement tool is now completely out. they're immune to its volume. and even more so to their own volume. but i am not willing to compete with them on that. i am not a fan of high levels of noise.
worst of all, i feel helpless. i've seen lots of methods that even i myself have thought of being tried out in front of me. but still, some kids just RUN around the classroom like there's no tomorrow. it was so bad yesterday that i teared. i wasn't sure if its cos of fear, or cos of regret. and i don't want to turn into a frustrated bitch but i feel it coming.
i've been nice - like what i am to kids naturally (no kidding - i definitely mean it from the bottom of my heart), but it doesn't work on them. i realised that politeness - please and thank yous are useless. i was advised to be firm. but from what i see, i can't just be firm - i've got to be fierce - as fierce as everyone else. but i can't be fierce. it's not me - at least not in front of kids. i always believed they do not deserve to be screamed at (i always thought there had to be other ways). but it seems that the entire environment (inclusive of people in it) are working against that particular belief of mine. even if i could do it (be fierce) now, i can't do it for my supervision. so why be hypocritical in the first place? especially if its going to be so pointless. kids will notice the difference in my attitude and its not a long term benefit.
i've lived my life knowing what it is like to fear a fierce teacher - and i know i don't want to live the rest of my life knowing that i have had kids fear a fierce me.
i even wanted to borrow books for 'em. but they're just half-interested in storytelling. and even after their teacher taught them how to handle their books, they still end up like crap. they've stepped on them (i can't tolerate this so i obviously STOPPED those peepssss~!!!), thrown them around endlessly, even after the teacher explained about book care, and that we should "love our books like we love our parents".
plus - im quite sure i'll be the butt of jokes, and gossip tomorrow. having said i'm going home for dinner after fp, (i really did - after buying some food with doodoo), hola - i saw the teachers eating in front of me. how smart, how nice.
i also know its hard for everyone to understand what i'm going through, because they're not in my shoes. and i'm so sure - nobody would ever want to wear them.
i've never seen kids like that.
they've sat beside several classes before - toddlers and K1s, but they stick out like sore thumbs. because they're always on the run.
i even feel more relaxed when its time to go to school (NOT the centre). mind you, i've hated school all my life. and for the first time in my entire life, school is relaxing?!
i just don't know what's becoming of my world.
its as if i reached a dead end.
and i can have all the fun i want - basking in my tears.
bee at 8:57 PM
(0) hushy lil babies!
and i also spent too much of time crying about it, and wondering how the main character in the story is gonna live on after the book ends. (mind you! i cried over something that i couldn't even see - for the first time!)
basically, its about this girl whose husband had died a couple of months before she turned 30. she couldn't live without him and he knew it, so before his death he wrote 10 letters that Holly (his wife & the main char) could open - only one letter a month though. he did all sorts of sweet things - from buying a holiday for his wife & her friends to remembering small little things that needed to be done. every letter ended with PS I Love You. and almost everytime i read one of those letters i'd cry. i felt so sad for Holly's loss, and the sweeter her husband was, the worse i'd feel. The author was so good at tugging at my heartstrings!!! I was acting as if it was me who lost my husband x_X lol. but yeah, i could go on and on about this book. it is just fab. and totally feeling. it makes me want to appreciate the people around me even more. it was just SO realistic - i could picture the events in the book happening in real life. it was as if the author had been through it all.
you should've guessed by now that it's a bestseller. ;) many thanks to Cheryl for lending me the book - i am relieved that i didn't bend any part of it. LOLz. SO relieved.
and practicum has started wayyyyyy earlier than i hoped it would be :P i cherished every single day of my term break "holiday" knowing that i could be put on my deathbed anytime soon. LOL. ahh. the whole thing just makes me worry a hell lot.
well, if u stepped into the classroom, u'll understand why.
1. the space is just simply TOO HUGE. there are two group areas that are enough for 30 children AND MORE to sit in (notice, each group area is big enough for more than 30 children to sit in). and because of that, kids can run around and scream and shout like they always do. and the size of the room just magnifies it all.
2. the kids don't know how to speak softly even when told or modelled. they SCREAM and SHOUT all day long. despite providing reminders.
3. i shall skip the part about having endless energy. but do note that they all have problems getting to sleep.
4. i don't see any rules around. so quite obviously there's nothing for them to obey. i thought it was normal and COMMON for people to have basic stuff like "only one person talks at a time", but unfortunately, they live by "three people talk at any one time".
5. children: "teacher teacher! apple is where?" (directly translated from "ping guo zai na li?"
anyway, my field supervision date is set. and i'm worried like God knows what. as usual.
bee at 8:16 AM
(0) hushy lil babies!
some of e peeps in class (who were acting as kids) were supposed to go up to Rily and pick a fruit from the feely bag and then describe it in as much detail as they possibly could. someone picked up a banana.. and said in a suggestive tone of voice "ooh teacher, i like this fruit". it was so so so so so suggestive everyone got the hidden meaning. ahaha! we all know what it resembles.. *ahemz* ollo.
and then we caught sight of a G-string.. a highly worn one.. half of the "Triangle" could be seen.. with the string on the left side. which brings me to think about what wallie once said.. do girls really need a G-string to lend them some confidence? LOLz. the peeps who took the risk of getting sore eyes sorta roared with laughter when they saw it (we even have some booming ohohos in the middle of nowhere!). and even called more people over to share the fun. soon enough half the peeps in class knew that she's got sth stuck in between her buttcheeks. LOLz.
there was also the tomato that joey described.. round, smooth.. squeezable (?!?!). oosh whatever! if it wasn't suggestive people wouldn't have laughed their heads off.
so much for "sexayyy" stuff. LOLz. it just goes to show what peeps these days are thinking about. :P
hmmz. and i did my nails on mon with "the gang" at polished divas. oh damn it i didn't get to watch a movie at all! which made me feel (once again) that the package is overpriced. well in actual fact, it seriously is - if you compare it with Voxy's prices and selection of nail colours. Voxy!!! :) and i expected my nails to be of a similar colour to Voxy's Mysterious Blue - which i loved like no other. well they turned out to be this Electric Blue. the name "electric blue" came from like everyone's mouth and i don't know how. some said it was very x-men.. and so on. URGH. anyway, it was O.P.I's Blue My Mind. quite a nice name tho :) i was the 1st person to use that bottle of blue nail polish in polished divas and the manicurist seemed somewhat alarmed or shocked or i don't know what when i chose that colour - she even asked if i was sure i wanted it. my friends asked why i did blue.. in that "why of all colours?" tone.. well isn't it good to do blue once in a while? u know.. "once in a blue moon"? plus it matches my clothes any day of the week - because it matches my jeans :)
they also asked me why i didn't ASK for a DVD player to watch a movie. i was merely offered magazines, and when i didn't want them at all, she offered to bring them to me. was there any hint of a dvd player? nope. plus - there wasn't anymore in that section where we were all sitting at and i didn't know if there were any at the other section - cos there may be people using the players too as they were fully booked. all 3 of them were given one each.. without having to ask at all. and i highly doubt they'd thicken up their skin to go and ask for it - as much as they asked me to do so. if they put themselves in my shoes, they'd probably realise that asking for it may make themselves seem so desperate for it and therefore not do it at all.
how do i ever know that they too felt wasn't ok to ask even though they said i should? because if it was perfectly alright, they wouldn't have said that i should've asked for it earlier on only AFTER we ALL finished doing our nails (if it was really ok i felt they would've daringly and openly aired their opinions during or before everything - only things that make people paisae need to be kept till the ultimate end when we're off and out, no?) OR they probably would have asked for another one for their dumb friend who's sitting at the opposite side already.
maybe sometimes we really should ask ourselves if we would do something that we want others to do for us. and if we won't, then we should all just keep quiet and smile :)
at some point in time humans really need to be awakened with the fact that we're all selfish (though not all the time, but we definitely have selfish tendencies!). yes - WE.. and ALL of us. it is not always a bad thing. we simply want the best for ourselves - self love and obsession. and it is only a few who are able to spare a thought for others.. and who are able to see things in the viewpoints of others and remembering that a girl's besties deserve those yummy things too without having to remind themselves constantly. unfortunately, i'm still learning to do so. because i too am selfish sometimes.
i guess i'll never forget what my lecturer once said.. there's this boy who brought his new set of coloured pencils to school and ended up giving them all away to his classmates. if u're thinking that he's a saint without a single thread of selfishness in him, please kindly read on. and so she said.. "for a kid to learn how to share, he must first know what belongs to him". i can't exactly rem'ber the full thing, but i guess he thought that was sharing. so he shared to his heart's content.
back to where i was at - the parlour. i was SO totally bored. yeah. just bored. here's why - there was only her world (which i finished reading pretty fast cos i already read the previous issues at another beauty parlour), female and style magazines around - which focussed only on the season's picks on fashion and hardly anything more.. so there really isn't much point in reading their previous issues.
ahh anyway. doo eric and i helped alpha to paint his room (almost the whole of) the day before yesterday (i was sitting around most of the time cos there were only 3 rollers anyway! :X). and alpha's wowo was kewt :) his name is scruffy! which sounds like a word to describe his fur. its all messy and fuzzed up - not like your usual Jack Russell. and he is cute because i screamed in shock when i turned around and saw him and he ended up running away from me. LOLz. he also has a very stubby tail.. that wags and wags in delight! we also met his sisters.. who were pretty nice to us ^^.
it was anni yesterday! :) my supposed-to-be Medium-rare beef turned out to be RAW @ billy bombers. x_X and i will love their shakes even more if there were more cookie bits in it! XD
bee at 10:16 AM
(0) hushy lil babies!
* virgo
* student
* loves: ladybugs, beefyboys, cherries, bossanova, olivia ong, domomomo, shopping
* bleahs @ clowns, crEEpiEcrawlies, the dark, liars
bLurRy mEe
soft rebonding&a new haircut
new school bag
Sony Ericsson K700i
PeaCock Feather Earrings
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Dumby-Dumbo :)
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Singtel WorldTour TarePandas
65cm tall Domo-Kun Plushie
HURS Suitcase
Heart Sunglasses
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