Wednesday, April 27, 2005

mommy i love you

i shall tell you very frankly that i am overwhelmed with guilt for not treasuring one of the dearest things in my life. my mom.

many a time i have told myself to spend more time with her, etc. sad to say, i have never done so.

mom looks forward to outings/meals with me and is excited when we go out for a meal. she is enthusiastic about holidays, and still spoils me the way she did when i was a kid by buying me the stuff that i want. she is supportive of me in everything that i do. yet, when i'm in a bad mood, yes - just because i am feeling moody, i scream and shout and kick a big fuss out of everything. I chide her for certain behaviours that i couldn't stand, as it may have caused temporary anger and embarrassment to me. but hey, mom said sorry. and i felt so sorry too. i was too harsh. i said sorry too, but i know that saying sorry will not allow me to take back the hurtful stuff i said to her, neither would it undo the hurt i caused her because of my brainless remarks. I failed to enjoy just the few hours we spend together having a quiet, peaceful meal even though i know she simply enjoys my company so, so much.

very often, or most of the time in fact, i am spending loads of time with my friends and him. an outsider'll probably see the entire situation as a "bee does not make the effort to spend time with her mom, and even if she does, she does it moodily".

i do not let mom know about my thoughts because she might think "what's the point of saying all these when you can't even appreciate what's in front of you?". yes, i am afraid even though most likely i know mom will not think that way.

she has done so much for me and has tried her best to see to my needs. she misses what she calls the "good ol' times" - when i was still in pri sch and younger and clingy and all. i got her worried sick during my difficult periods and yet she saw me through them. she may not be perfect, like all of us, but i love my mommy for everything she has done for me. even if she didn't, i know she cares and tries to help.

one of the things i fear most is that one day she'll be gone and i'll cry my eyes out (seriously) because i know i have not done enough to show her that i appreciate, i love and i care for her. maybe i am trying, but i am not trying hard enough.
bee at 3:00 PM

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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

A world i don't know...

recently, one of the many other things i've been curious about includes fortune-telling, fate and destiny.

i do NOT know what is the difference between fate and destiny, if there is any :)

jerine had told me only abt 2 weeks ago or so (rem'ber i have a short-term memory, 2 weeks might actually mean 4 weeks, i don't know)... that she had her fortune read twice. i shall narate the whole thing to u now.. *wahahaha*. well it seems the fortune-teller was a Malay. jerine, being down in love and all for many months was brought to the fortune-teller by a friend who believes in the fortune-teller. she had inquired about love, mainly. the fortune-teller was able to tell jerine things that she herself had never told the fortune-teller. this is all so amazing. apparently, jerine's friend had confided in the fortune-teller and the fortune-teller's words had come true. also, the thing abt this fortune-telling thing is that it was done in a well-ventilated HDB flat with open windows and all, and it is a "if you believe u pay, if u don't, u may choose not to pay me" kinda thing. The fortune teller had given Jerine's friend a charm even. Spooky, in my opinion. She even told Jerine that she could cast a spell on the guy she loves if she really loved him and wanted him. I wouldn't like anyone to cast a spell or anything on me. The fortune teller does her work by chanting with incense in front of her.

so as usual, the wondering me started to wonder how they do the fortune telling thing. i related jerine's entire incident to my music teacher, Miss S :) Miss S is a Christian who's rather strong in her faith i suppose. She tells me loads of stories from the bible if i ask about them. In case you don't know yet, i am a free-thinker. I didn't believe in God years ago, and got rather fed-up with people who disrupt my meal at macdonalds to spread the word of God. *hello, i am not a toot and i have heard about God*. despite their polite requests of getting me to eat as they speak, the equally-polite me simply couldn't do so when someone was speaking in front of me. as a result, by the time they finished, my entire meal had gone cold.

Also, they asked me.. "do u think a fish knows that it cannot live without water until it jumps out of the tank?". i replied "yes of course!". They argued, "no. a fish will not know". Then they compared us humans with the fish, saying sth that indirectly suggested that we (people like me who is not a Christian) don't know that we can't go to heaven without believing in God. My goodness. u asked me about a fish, so i just replied with a fishy answer. If fishes had to jump out of the tank to realise that they can't live without water, then wouldn't all the fish in the world be dead now due to curiosity? geez. so the answer is obvious, fishes KNOW that they can't live without water WITHOUT having to jump out of it for a try-out.

Anyway, back to Miss S. she told me the fortune-telling is very tricky. Some of the people who are fortune-tellers are basically just cheats who have studied people and are experts in their study of people. Thus, the things they would tell to the fortune-seekers would be incidents that would MOST likely happen in their lives. Some others deal with dirty stuff like spirits to be able to fortune-tell. Spirits become their spies and those "fortune-tellers" thus engage the help of them.

Thus, Christians and non-christians (basically EVERYONE) should stay out of fortune-telling as they'll be cursed if they do so. This is according to Miss Seck.

You might be wondering why i titled this entry as "A world i don't know...". The reason is, the world that i really do not know of is something i cannot see. I have heard about it, things such as fortune-telling and other deeper, underlying stuff that are involved with it. I have heard of them through word of mouth, and i'm curious about it. This world that i don't know is different from ours, where problems such as pollution, societal changes (whether for good or bad) are happening things. Thus i thought i'd just "pen" down these thoughts of mine.

Some others who do not rely on fortune-telling tactics would tell me that fate is in my own hands. Eg, my mom and miss S who believe so. My mom even said that fortune-telling decreases your life-span, so people are usually advised against doing it too many times. Also, it is no good to know too much, which is also the reason why Jerine's fortune-teller told her that she couldn't tell Jerine everything she knew.

I then shared with Jerine that in terms of friendship, there is already one thing that i know, without having to visit a fortune-teller. Its something that i view as sad and depressing. I've made 3 bestest friends from Primary School till now, where i am at Ngee Ann Polytechnic pursuing my tertiary education. Pamela in P.Sch, Melanie in Sec.Sch and Ailay in Poly.

however, there's always something that puzzles me loads. perhaps one could call it fate. Each time i got really close and pally to these people who are like best friends to me, somehow or rather we'd just get "separated" physically. Do note that i got to know these people, so getting "separated" means i don't get to see them in school every day anymore. Pam and i knew each other from music class at yamaha in P4, but got to become best friends soon after in P5. These were many happy times. I missed a point to get into TKGS, a school i very much wanted to study in, and it was the school that pam was in :( soon, we drifted apart although we kept in touch through snailmail.

Then came Melanie in Sec 3. I'd consider her a shopping buddy as well :) She's mature and a good listener. It was a pleasure to have known her, especially when i hated Crescent to the core. God knows what i dislike about the place, but i've been disliking it since the first day i entered the school. Anyway, mel and i had loads to laugh about during class, and seriously, she made going to school a joy! (For the first time in my life!). Then, like Pamela's case, in June, sec 3, Mel and her family had made a decision to migrate to New Zealand. Another one of my pallies had to leave mE! WHy, i seriously wondered and asked myself despite not having any answers.. I still remember tearing over the last letter she wrote to me while she was still in Singapore. Sigh. we had only known each other for a short 6 months and were getting along SOOOO well! Being with her just gave me that best friend feeling which i had about her.

Lastly, the latest "separation" came when Ailay lost interested in the tiring journey of ECH. We had only known each other for one semester, yet some of our classmates thought we had known each other for a while before we entered the course. Ailay was the kind of friend that i felt, i didn't need to speak to for her to understand how i felt. Sometimes, we'd just look at each other and we know what we wanna say or how we feel each other. Its as if we had known each other for years. Its weird, sometimes. I could confide about anything and everything in her, and same for her. I simply couldn't hold back my tears when she left, and i was depressed for a week. Or at least i felt i was. I felt so empty! I know she had her own side of sadness to deal with, as she didn't know how to break the news to me. When she finally could do so, she told me she was so upset she teared as she walked past the library and the deli.

Mummy said this could be my "life" in terms of friendships, that i'd have to part with a very very close friend once we become very very very close friends. :( In what way is "fate in my own hands" then?

bee at 12:00 PM

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