Thursday, June 29, 2006

a turn off. a let down.

that's what my blog will become.

cos that's what i'll be.

its no longer a matter of self-thought or pessimism. its now a fact. i see it everyday.

it was only the 3rd day of fp but i already felt like i've known the kids for ages. and i actually felt sick of seeing them. cos day in and day out, i see and hear the exact same things. complains. whining. crying. screaming. shouting. banging. it seems they never learnt how to speak softly. i've tried modelling and reminding, to no avail. it also drives me up the wall - the fact that my ear drums will burst one day due to the amount of wooden-block banging i hear everyday from other teachers. it makes me jump up from wherever i stand, but yet the kids can act as if they've never heard it. using a bell as a supposedly-effective classroom mangement tool is now completely out. they're immune to its volume. and even more so to their own volume. but i am not willing to compete with them on that. i am not a fan of high levels of noise.

worst of all, i feel helpless. i've seen lots of methods that even i myself have thought of being tried out in front of me. but still, some kids just RUN around the classroom like there's no tomorrow. it was so bad yesterday that i teared. i wasn't sure if its cos of fear, or cos of regret. and i don't want to turn into a frustrated bitch but i feel it coming.

i've been nice - like what i am to kids naturally (no kidding - i definitely mean it from the bottom of my heart), but it doesn't work on them. i realised that politeness - please and thank yous are useless. i was advised to be firm. but from what i see, i can't just be firm - i've got to be fierce - as fierce as everyone else. but i can't be fierce. it's not me - at least not in front of kids. i always believed they do not deserve to be screamed at (i always thought there had to be other ways). but it seems that the entire environment (inclusive of people in it) are working against that particular belief of mine. even if i could do it (be fierce) now, i can't do it for my supervision. so why be hypocritical in the first place? especially if its going to be so pointless. kids will notice the difference in my attitude and its not a long term benefit.

i've lived my life knowing what it is like to fear a fierce teacher - and i know i don't want to live the rest of my life knowing that i have had kids fear a fierce me.

i even wanted to borrow books for 'em. but they're just half-interested in storytelling. and even after their teacher taught them how to handle their books, they still end up like crap. they've stepped on them (i can't tolerate this so i obviously STOPPED those peepssss~!!!), thrown them around endlessly, even after the teacher explained about book care, and that we should "love our books like we love our parents".

plus - im quite sure i'll be the butt of jokes, and gossip tomorrow. having said i'm going home for dinner after fp, (i really did - after buying some food with doodoo), hola - i saw the teachers eating in front of me. how smart, how nice.

i also know its hard for everyone to understand what i'm going through, because they're not in my shoes. and i'm so sure - nobody would ever want to wear them.

i've never seen kids like that.

they've sat beside several classes before - toddlers and K1s, but they stick out like sore thumbs. because they're always on the run.

i even feel more relaxed when its time to go to school (NOT the centre). mind you, i've hated school all my life. and for the first time in my entire life, school is relaxing?!

i just don't know what's becoming of my world.

its as if i reached a dead end.

and i can have all the fun i want - basking in my tears.
bee at 8:57 PM