Monday, February 20, 2006

going past seventeen?!?!?!?!?!?!

i love mel. serene. pamela. ailay. they're old friends whom i rarely get to meet. but i treasure them the MOST anyway. because TRUST stays. and we probably know each other so well that we'll know what the other party'll say without even having to speak.

but after two years in a poly, i've come to realise that i don't know who i can trust anymore. don't get me wrong - this is not a realisation that happened 2 years ago, or anything within 2 years, but in fact, it just happened now. i never knew going past seventeen would be like staying within the age of thirteen to sixteen still.

its no fun when u're in a position where all your friends think that they're rotten eggs and that u're the only one who's "a friend of xxx". xxx is someone who's not in the clique. yes, things about cliques make me sick. point is, WHY ARE WE ROTTEN EGGS? if they're all rotten eggs and i'm excluded, that's sad to an extent. now seriously, the part that hurts most is that i am being labelled as "a friend of xxx" all the time. does this suggest to any extent at all that i am no longer a friend of the labellers that i've been with for God knows how long? and could this possibly mean that i've got to stop talkin to xxx to remain friends with my clique so they'll consider me as a part of them again? then what the hell is friendship all about, really?

as much as the people who perceive themselves as rotten eggs think they've done nothing, i think i've done nothing to deserve every bit of this too. i bet we've all got BIG question marks dancing to their own beat above our heads.

i have no idea why people love to perceive themselves in such a manner when nobody ever said they were so?! maybe i just don't get it.. or don't understand things from their point of view till they explain it. i am known for being b.l.u.r.

if they can't stand her, tell her.

everything has become so childish. why are people separating things into "you are her friend and i am not" kinda thing? it can almost sound like "i don't wanna friend you anymore!"? but that really is the way it is. I just hope that everyone bears in mind that we're 18-19-20 years old ALREADY. NOT 8 or 10 years old.

its even worse when you could possibly have other scenarios like having an absolute nobody come up to ur friends, tell them something, and your friends are told to keep it in the dark. or another possible version of this could be, someone spreading news around about people to other people and then telling them not to tell anyone who he/she (the one who spreads) really is. this sneaky sneaky kinda thing shows that u're nothing but a coward! if things are true, why be afraid? just what EXACTLY are your intentions as an absolute nobody? is this just attention-seeking? or have people out there almost guessed what your true motives are? i sincerely hope they did. when it comes to peeps like this that i detest, if they're not two-faced cowards, then i don't know what they are. thank God the purpose of this blog is not to shame.

just imagine this. when there's a possibility that a person is being kept in the dark by her so-called friends, (its not a case of whereby one no longer wants to be friends with others, but its more of whether or not those friends still want to befriend that one person), its difficult for her to get out of it. maybe not completely (kept in the dark), but partially. doors are closed, so are windows! how could anyone expect one to be honest about everything when everyone else keeps that one person in the dark? they themselves don't want to open up and its throwing that one person into an environment that she hates: The Dark. It is scary.

like what jiahui said, with closed doors and windows, one can't explain her point of view. in the end, conclusions are made without one's knowing until they're completely made, because of the same view that ppl have. "blablabla is xxx's friend". and when one finally gets to know of them, a realisation comes into place: everything evolves around negativity. now please. i need honesty from the people i trust most. that's the LEAST i'd expect from any friend. my life does not evolve around xxx only. so why make yours evolve around hers when it only makes everyone more upset?

EVERYTHING in this entry is written because EVERYONE thinks that i am nothing else but a friend of xxx.

i've made it a point before never to bitch on my blog about anyone because every second i spend bitching, i might as well think of all the lovely things i have around me and feel appreciated. but when things get out of hand, and i feel so threatened by whatever situation that some absolute nobodies out there are trying to create to get me out of sync, i just had to be honest with myself.

there is no right or wrong in blogging. and there is nothing stoppable about it. because i can't imagine anyone who has the right to criticise one's thoughts. except in singapore, where blogging about race/religion becomes a big hoo-haa. which of course can be understood by all, we're vulnerable in a sense.

FYI, i think blogs are a menance for many reasons, and i've been having this impression of blogs for the LONGEST time now. they're like poison.

to many, i'm just a worrier. but i just want to say that i could wash my hands off everything if u're nothing but an aquaintance. many people would've noticed that i'm not observant in class, especially of people that i am not close to. ever wondered what's behind my worries and why? its cos i don't give two hoots on what those people wear or do. they mean almost-nothing to me. so why care or worry about what people think of them?

everything is so frustrating and hurtful at the same time. i do not know of or understand the full situation, i can't stop people from thinking or saying what they wanna say, so why are people throwing their expectations at me? (ie. expecting me to be a know it all).

if i worry for you, and i worry for what would happen to us, it means i care.

this storm'll blow over. i just know it would. maybe i am reading too much into things, over-reacting, misunderstanding, exaggerating my viewpoint, letting my imagination run too far out and taking things too seriously.

that's all.
bee at 8:10 AM