Tuesday, October 18, 2005

i've had enough of this.

my cracking moment:
i am a nut and i am going to CRACK aka SPLIT OPEN under the immense force of the nutcracker.

rehearsals everyday from 10am to 3pm (especially this week, from mon to thurs - which IS the day of the performance even!). sometimes they end early, sometimes late and things are always confirmed only at the VERY LAST minute.

i used to be able to adapt to change pretty well, especially since i hated schedules/routines or anything that would tie or TEAR me down. but not anymore dearies. not when i have more important things to plan and do. more important things like taking care of myself and spending time with the people who mean a lot to me but whom i have had no choice but to neglect.. all for the sake of KE practice?

AND. i miss my free life.

i can confidently declare that from the start of this hols until now, i have not had a single day of enough-rest. day in and day out, i wake up at a time that i HAVE to.. and not WANT to. for your info, this is one thing that sucks. because me being tired out means the pimples are more than happy to pop out.

i'm so sorry but this is going to be a post of ranting and ranting and ranting. not that i have nothing else to do - but i've got things in my chest that i've got to get it all out once and for all.. as some things have really gotten too far.

for the 3rd time, i was not heard by the club's tutor at all. which means, i spent 2.5 hours waiting in vain EACH time. what's the point of me waking up early to go to school just to ROT? and not once, not twice, but THRICE?

also, because the programme booklets were only sent for PHOTOCOPYING (yes crap man - its not even properly PRINTED) today, cheryl and i only went home and left queensway at almost 8pm. this is seriously C.R.A.P. and i can't take it animore. 10am to 8pm, caught up in nothing but a 2.5 hour wait, a macdonalds lunch, and more admin work? that's not even my duty. i had to call the directors to confirm their attendance and we had to re-do the confusing layout of settling which pages come first and which ones come next. absolutely BRAIN-teasing for someone who doesn't like twisted stuff like these.

and. the thing that made me mad enough to actually tell cheryl in the face that i should never have joined this performance at all was that i'm sacrificing all my free time into this club.. and i'm not as noble as her - i do NOT enjoy sacrificing my time. call me lazy. whatever.

u see. for this coming semester, my tuesdays and fridays are super busy. my only good days are on monday and wednesday whereby school ends at 1 on monday and abt 2 or 3 on wednesday. point is? i dun get a freaking break at all cos i have to go back to school at 6pm on monday to teach the KE students until 9pm and even later if cheryl wants her de-brief sessions, and on wednesdays i'll have to go for playing class at 5:30pm and my piano lesson is from 4:30pm to 5:30pm. which is not fun at all even though the word "playing" exists. i was told playing class is about experimenting with pieces, and since i wasn't in the performing thing last sem, i expected my absence to be perfectly alright and nothing outta the norm. but NO. i ended up being referred to as a "yao guai", along with all other ECH girls in the club. it doesn't hurt me enough to insult me though. oh and guess what? playing class now turns out to be performing class and they asked me to change my $200/mth piano lessons just so i can attend their "playing class". its stressful as i can't help but feel that people are gonna be SO FREAKING UNHAPPY with me that i'll just get nothing but truly rotten faces if i don't play well and i hate stressful things. call this peer pressure, but to the maddoes, they think that this is the only thing that can help people to improve. sickoes. they give me pimples and i can't help it - so i don't understand why insensitive KE people still have the cheek to ask me why is my face like that (like the horrible horrendous disfigured way it is now). IF I HAD A CHOICE, would i want a fugly face like this? would would btw?

aniwae, right from the start when i joined KE, i never had the intention of performing (i don't hate it - i just did not sense any need to be known or showy). teaching was alright, and i never cared about CCA points. it didn't matter if i wasn't a committee member. i thought it was a fun place for people who share an interest in the piano - whether or not they could play well and that was good enough. oh hell no. it is a place for people who want to play better, to improve their skills and to climb their ABRSM grades-ladder faster. where is the fun that i seeked? if piano playing is no longer enjoyable for me, i don't see a point in staying on really. i know its a really bad time for me to be saying all this and it sounds as if i am so unwilling to perform, but please know that there are just so many things that have driven me to this. i don't expect anyone to fully understand how i'm feeling right now though - that would be too unfair. i still want to perform, i don't want to disappoint at all and i truly want things to be soo happy. i want to enjoy this while i can especially when i am sharing my piano-joy with the audience but at this point in time, i feel like i need my rest more than anything else. i admit i do like to slack - but that's what gives me energy - not food! i know about the hopes that are placed on me. but sometimes i feel like i'm crumbling under all the stress that the club has placed on cheryl and i. i am not stressed over the performance, neither do i detest it although performing was not my main priority at the start. in fact, it is an enriching and refreshing experience for me. i am stressed over the fact that i'm either spending my time on nothing in school or that i'm forced to stay back (WITHOUT a choice) and sacrifice some of the little things in life like watching an hour of the TV show i wanna catch!! it is just ONE thing that i wanted to do today! and 10 hours of KE stuff in a day DRIVES ME WAYYYY SICK.

i was like sharing my interest in this Keyboard "Club" or course that spreads out over 10 sessions (half hour per lesson, totalling to 5 hours) whereby its really for people who wanna have fun experimenting with pieces and the best part is, somehow or rather, with a qualified and professional trainer, u'll be able to play those pieces by the end of the course. so if something's beneficial and fun, why not try it? anyway, its only gonna take place in special keyboard rooms that cater to this course AFTER they're constructed - which is AFTER yamaha renovates itself (which will obviously take some time!). guess what i got? "bee. u should be concentrating on taking your grade 8 exam and not on having fun". yeah i DO want my grades, i've failed before and i perfectly understand what its like to fail.. but its no point knowing your notes and forcing out your feelings when u can't enjoy the simple yet fufilling feeling of presenting your piece in your style. its pointless to play the piano just for a grade because i know of people who play the piano because they love it and they love the feeling of playing on it and they escalate up the grades-ladder far faster than anyone else does.

i don't wanna talk about this anymore. i know i'll be happier than ever after the performance.
bee at 4:25 PM