Tuesday, June 21, 2005

worrying kills.

worrying kills me. but i can't stop. and argh. the pimples are back up on the surface of my skin AGAIN. i seriously hate this.

my field mentor aka centre supervisor came to talk to me yesterday. it was sorta like a private word with me ONLY, saying that while she was in the music and movement lesson that i was having with the nursery kids, she noticed i was dead quiet = no interaction with the kids at all = no animation or repeat of whatever the teacher said (for example when ms cynthia says sit down everybody! i am supposed to repeat "sit down!" or "let's do what miss cynthia says!", and when ms cynthia says "oh.. u're out" i'm supposed to go "ohhh :(( *cries* i'm out", which i obviously didn't do at all. = 1 word. BAD. She also questioned me *ONLY ME!* about my lesson plans (how do u intend to carry it out? have u thought of the logistics? which other subject are you incorporating into your lesson plan? is it maths or..?)

the part that worries me most is that i was the only one she spoke to. that's why its worrying. and without having her to tell me, i already know. cos ms cynthia said i have to interact more and play with the kids. i can't stop brooding about this. 1 hour has passed and i am still WIDE awake. NOTE: its 5:27am on the 21st of June as i write this sentence. i am so freaking upset and bothered by this whole issue i can't sleep, can't think right and can't laugh/smile. i call this a shitty situation.

stayed back yesterday until 9.15pm for klavierensemble. call it piano ensemble if you wish. there was no one to eat dinner with from 5pm-6pm so i basically just walked around aimlessly - went to the library to get some bubble tea and then 3 pieces of seaweed chicken from canteen 1 and then straight up to the music room. (i was so early. i think i reached at 5:35 or something). rotted from 5:35pm until 7.20pm or so (when cheryl finished her theory lesson) and then i got down to teaching (until 9pm). its supposed to be 2 students at a time but one learns two times faster than the other so thankfully charmaine helped me with the other one. the ppl there are pretty nice.. so i suppose its alright. i just detest the long hours. why do i have to ROT for almost 2 hours doing nothing? i know i should've started on my homework but i'm a procrastinator. to be honest, i'm so last minute my financial management hw + 4 journal entries have yet to be written. to think they have to be handed in on wednesday and friday respectively. oh no i feel so screwed. haha.

but seriously, i feel scared and discouraged after listening to what the mentor said. i wish i was with the local kids but i don't exactly miss them because there's no point in doing so. i am at where i am at now and nothing's going to change for the next year so i can only adapt and make do with whatever i have - or don't have. its seriously not easy for me to fit in with a buncha kids who don't even acknowledge my presence at first sight, although i'm glad i'm no longer invisible to them now, but having just a one-way conversation between me and the child is just so difficult. having to join in the music lesson is even more difficult because i just felt so out of place?! (as in.. join in the way she asked me to.. i am obviously playing with the kids during the music lesson - except that there's no conversation going on).

will someone please help me? field pract is not something that can be studied, unfortunately so i kinda feel that i have 0% hope and i simply wish that i will NOT fail this module. but looking at the way things are going, i can only HOPE that i won't fail - cos obviously the field mentor aka centre supervisor isn't happy. this entire happening made me think and re-think (for more than a dozen times since i joined this course) if i am on the right path. by now, everyone should be clear about where they're going and i'm pretty sure they are - they all look, feel, sound and act stable to me. so why am i the only one who's lagging behind? i really wish i wasn't.

as much as i make this blog seem like a whole piece of negative shit, i hope someone realises that i don't want it to be this way. i am just a super big complain queen who can't keep my mouth shut when it comes to airing out my not-so-happy views about everything i experience. when i don't blog - it means i am happy. a blog to me is an outlet for UNHAPPY expression & complaints. sure i'll love to share some happy thoughts along the way, (such as shopping which i have been blogging too much about until every shopping episode in this blog looks like a repeat of the previous one), but talking about nothing but shopping or going to the zoo makes me feel so shallow (i do understand it doesn't necessarily mean that i am shallow k? LOL). no doubt this blog will still be mine whether i blog shallow stuff or not, but writing in this blog is supposed to give me the feelings i want (be it making me even more upset so i can cry it all out or just calming me down) - and shallow feelings are not what i truly desire.

so back to the point, when i don't blog, it means that i am happy. its what i live by. and why so? because the simple things in life like eating the terrifically juicy lychees *when CHILLED - ooh la la!* that papa bought back for us makes me happy :) i am happy to see papa back. and i am happy when i don't have to eat lunch alone in school. see? these are trivial everyday matters and u can't expect me to blog about.. "i didn't eat lunch alone in school today so i am very happy" (yes, we should all acknowledge the fact there there are thousands of insecure teenagers out there - u noe, it doesn't hurt to eat alone in a shopping centre or anything? cos at least u don't get strange looks from people when u eat alone in Singapore?) or sth like.. "i love those ORANGEY-fleshed mangoes that mom bought for me just yesterday!". i complain abt every little thing but i don't write about the smallest, happy things that go on in my life not because they mean nothing to me, but its because happy thoughts come and go pretty fast (like how long can i admire a purchase i made? eg. skirt/top/bracelet) but anything else that's classified as unhappy goes straight into my head and i just keep brooding over it. i don't deny the fact that i am a worry-er. i sometimes tend to magnify problems - to make them look worse than what they really/actually are so that my relief & undescribable (is this how u spell it?) happiness is magnified once i jump over that hurdle.
bee at 8:54 PM