Monday, June 13, 2005

the truth hurts... as always

i feel so guilty.. i just have to admit to everything here.

firstly.. i spend too much $.. i shop too much.. i just keep buying stuff that i don't wear!!! i bought green jade earrings, a green bag, a pink tatty-bear lookalike handphone dangle accessory and a silk turquoise forever 21 top - all of which are nothing but wants. i bought the forever 21 top for the sake of getting rid of a sold-out diamante tank top in black. the new piece i took was bigger than the one i tried in the fitting room! i have no idea why either. poor quality control or some fatso wore it before me and stretched it from one end to the other! i had to top up $$ for the silk top too :( and not to mention, I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A BRACELET AND WHITE TOPS AND A DRESS BTW! :( i obviously bought none in the end. mission unaccomplished!

and green is like my latest HOT colour or something - i just can't stop getting green things. since green appeals to me, i tend to find extremely hot pink stuff irritating now. i can't believe i've been SPECIALLY looking out for green earrings, 3 green bags, green tops. ARGH... to think i used to be the ultimate green-hater. all thanks to mel : who introduced lovely green jadey colours to me.. and many thanks to Hollister Co. by Abercrombie & Fitch who produced a beautiful green top which made me fall in love & experiment with leafy greens.

secondly, i just poured and dumped every nasty thing on jiahui today. all my problems.. i just shared them with her like there was no end. i don't only feel sorry towards her, but also towards him (i feel like a backstabber). cos everything i shared with jiahui was about him. each time i think about all the hurtful things he's done to me.. i think about all the hurtful things i've done to him.. as well as all the nice & caring things he's done for me. i realise he's hurting as much as i'm hurting.

all of a sudden, after talking everything out, it seems like i was worrying for nothing all along. suddenly everything seemed like it never happened, and that it was my imaginative thinking playing me out the whole time. i was so un-trusting & full of doubt towards him. it hurt me when i looked back and realised (again) that i never once believed anything he said.

i'm happy when i'm with him... in small little ways, he shows me there's still a part of him that cares. eg. buying me a coconut drink even though i said i didn't want it but he knows that i'll never refuse one on a sunny day. i was shocked. i never expected him to remember anything that i liked, or even take the initiative to buy it for me. surprisingly, he wants to take me to the zoo to see the giraffes too! *thinks of madagascar*.

i was amazed at how much i trusted her, but i seriously think she's such a friendly, approachable person that i couldn't help but find her trustworthy too. well anyway, i sincerely hope that she didn't find me sickening... i have no idea why i rattled on and on like nobody's business.. it was so comfortable to talk to her.

it upsets me when i REALISE things. cos whenever i do, its always the truth that hits me right smack in my face -.- *owww*... oh well. the truth is - we always get back together. NATURALLY. and. i can't stop shopping for wants (NOT NEEDS!) even though the stuff i buy are NOT on sale at all & seriously, they're things that i don't even use =/. *looks at the hole in her pocket*

and the one last truth that hurts the most - i have to wake up at 5:30am tomorrow morning to prevent frogginess - a coarse, hoarse voice that croaks. the longer i sleep, the longer it takes for my voice to warm up = a hard time talking to the kids cos i'll end up whispering again.
bee at 1:59 PM