Thursday, May 26, 2005

take my hand and walk with me...

Dear xxx,
We have not written letters to each other for a very long time. I believe this is the last time you'll be receiving a letter from me. At this point in time, I know my tears mean nothing to you because you already found someone you really love, and its time for me to let go.

For the past few years that we were unhappy with each other, I think that too many things have happened between then and now, such that even IF we had the will to go on in a relationship, nothing could salvage our relationship.

I thought a lot about what we used to do, and what you used to do for me. The things I recalled ar eprecisely the things that made me cry. But things have changed and somehow, I need time to FORCE myself to accept it. That i am no longer your one and only.

I'm not the one who receives SMSes like "I miss you" or "wo xiang ni", neither am I able to meet you for lunch in your school, & neither do you ask me out for lunch. I'm also not the one whom you would call sweetie or darling, or one that you would more-than-willingly give up your playing-WOW time to accompany. I'm not the one you would wait for to come online.

To be honest with you, I believe I already told you we won't survive past this month. I bet things already happened sooner than expected, but thankfully I KNOW that we won't be celebrating our anniversary together. So much for metal-preparation.

I'd like to thank you for showing me that yes, a relationship can last for more than a year, but sadly I have only grown to distrust men even more. As disappointed as you are, I wonder why you had to behave in such an intimate manner with her if there's really nothing going on between the both of you.

I'm sure you know somrt hurtful things I said remain in your heart, such as "you're the worst guy i ever met", although they no longer affect you because you have someone new. I just want you to know that I never regretted being with you because you have shaped me over the past 2+ years and I am who i am now because of you.

True, I still suck @ my cutlery skills, and i dunno if you remember asking me what i'll do if you were no longer around? I told you i won't eat things that require the use of a fork & knife. I'll tell you why: It's not because I dunno how to use the fork & knife to eat, but it's because there's no one to eat the delicious food (like Kenny Rogers) with. No one accepts me for my poor cutlery skills because I never gave them a chance to.

You probably feel relieved that everything's over & that you can be with whoever you want to be with & hopefully soon enough, I will be able to lead a normal life too. I slept over every night because I cannot bear to let go. I wished you would talk to me & tuck me into bed every night rather than coldly turn around and solemnly tell me "Good Night". Right now, you don't even use "Dear" anymore.

as much as i want to hear from you, the other half of me tells me I cannot trust you... yada x3 because of what you said to HER that truly shows your feelings for her.

I am surprised & upset that the xxx who USED TO love me no longer feels hurt when i cry, instead, life is now all about a cold, emotionless face.

I like to look at you at night when you're asleep because that is the only time where i have the chance to see the xxx i used to know and still love, without questions from anyone on "why are you looking at me?" & i want so much to rem'ber your face. When you sleep and i look @ you, you won't scold me too, because you don't know that I am looking at you.

I have to admit that I am selfish, for i cannot bring myself to share you with anyone else because you mean a lot to me. When someone who means the world to you laughs at you, it feels as if everyone is laughing at you. When that someone who means the world to you scolds you or chides at you, it feels like the whole world hates you. That's why people commit suicide. Because the person who means the world to them left them, making them feel soooo alone.

But when the person who means the world to me holds my hand, my heart lights up in celebration! It feels as if the whole world is together with me, holding my hand and being there for me. Always.

And when I walk in the rain alone, I know that person who means the world to me is no longer there for me, to hold my hand to cross the street, hold my hand & walk along the beach, hold my hand when going up to play the slide, and hold my hand to share my pain.

Regardless of how many times I say i love you, you will never believe it and it does not matter to you anymore.

I told you (and my other blog readers in my previous entry) last night I have lost all hope. But now i find myself bleakly holding on to a candle. The light guides my way when I am in search of love (you), but there is a time limit, just like all good things do. When my wax burns out, the light will die off. The candle represents the hope that i am stubbornly holding on to. If i lose my way and there's no one to help me to find the one i love, or if he refuses to see me, my light will die off soon enough and i will be left alone in the dark. Just like how you have let go of my hand.

Standing alone by myself in the dark (you know i am scared of the dark), I do not know what to expect next.

Love,
me.

Taken from a handwritten copy of this letter & is slightly edited. NO part of anything said on this blog can be reproduced without permission. Make your own babies!
bee at 11:03 PM