Friday, May 27, 2005

down and out...

everyone thinks i'm a pair of goodie two shoes.

but in actual fact, i'm just like anyone else who drinks.

why do i like to drink? u may be wondering.. the truth is i DON'T enjoy drinking. the best drinks i ever had was a screwdriver (amazing because i hate orange actually) and tequila sunrise (i can't rem'ber the taste but i know its sweet and blue). The bitter taste of alcohol was covered by the flavouring.

Getting drinks from 7-11 is quite a boo-boo for me. They sell the bitter stuff that makes me feel even more bitter deep inside. Apart from the horrid taste of alcohol, i actually like it pretty much otherwise. You could call it a love-hate relationship.

Alcohol effectively NUMBS the notorious part of my brain that sends off negative-feelings. As such, i actually drink to force myself to smile and laugh because everything else i think about makes me depressed. Trust me, it is not as funny as it sounds. 1.5 glasses of screwdriver can put me to sleep.

I seek desperate relief in alcohol. I can't buy drinks without his help because i'm under 18. Yet, he doesn't like me to drink so i only drink like twice a year. -.- No worries, the frequency will improve once August comes.

Sadly i don't have a choice. Other than shopping, and chatting on the phone with Ailay & laughing at silly things, nothing else seems to be able to make me smile. especially when it comes to touchy stuff about him.

sometimes when i really feel like giving up on men, i wanna be a lesbo. but the thought of kissing a girl turns me way off. yacky. haha. i love men too much. >_< love the physique and all, even if he has some tummy fat. well at least the basic figure stays: broad shoulders, nice & strong legs with hair to pluck and firm butt. haha. plus pepe too! shit i am going overboard. LOL.

anyone know of a cure for rhematism? i have this pain the starts from the back of my hip bone and goes all the way down to my thighs.. its a pain that's on the inside.. such that i can't squeeze my fat (that's on the surface) to ease the pain. =/ i just have this gut feeling its rheumatism. sometimes the pain gets too hard to bear i just feel like chopping off my leg cos it hurts so much when i'm sleeping that i have the urge to scream and shout in the middle of the night.

I hate liars. The more you trust someone, the more vulnerable you are. When i see his sweet messages to the girl whom he calls "sweetie" and "darling" on every line of his MSN log, i can't help but feel hopeless. Things like "i miss you" and "wo xiang ni" appeared on his HP (in his sent items from him to her) at least 4 times, and things like "do you want me to accompany you after school?" and "dear.. i wanna share your sorrow" and "i don't wanna go and play WOW if you will be unhappy" too. The best part is? he denied everything even though everything i said above serves as evidence. I saw these with my own two eyes.

He told me WOW is a commitment because he is now a council member in his guild. So am i not a commitment too? The whole point about this is that he just wants to be with her but he doesn't dare to admit it. God knows why. I just realised i'm just a toy - a play thing. whatever you call it. So after 3 years, he got sick of it and just dumped dropped it off conveniently at the nearest trashcan he could find because he found something new, pretty, interesting & suitable. There, i lay hidden under the cover of the silver-turned grey, dusty, blacky ol' trashcan. Lost, tired, upset and disappointed. Tell me, is there any use of having hope in something when in the end, u're just gonna be let down?
bee at 10:24 AM