Wednesday, April 27, 2005

mommy i love you

i shall tell you very frankly that i am overwhelmed with guilt for not treasuring one of the dearest things in my life. my mom.

many a time i have told myself to spend more time with her, etc. sad to say, i have never done so.

mom looks forward to outings/meals with me and is excited when we go out for a meal. she is enthusiastic about holidays, and still spoils me the way she did when i was a kid by buying me the stuff that i want. she is supportive of me in everything that i do. yet, when i'm in a bad mood, yes - just because i am feeling moody, i scream and shout and kick a big fuss out of everything. I chide her for certain behaviours that i couldn't stand, as it may have caused temporary anger and embarrassment to me. but hey, mom said sorry. and i felt so sorry too. i was too harsh. i said sorry too, but i know that saying sorry will not allow me to take back the hurtful stuff i said to her, neither would it undo the hurt i caused her because of my brainless remarks. I failed to enjoy just the few hours we spend together having a quiet, peaceful meal even though i know she simply enjoys my company so, so much.

very often, or most of the time in fact, i am spending loads of time with my friends and him. an outsider'll probably see the entire situation as a "bee does not make the effort to spend time with her mom, and even if she does, she does it moodily".

i do not let mom know about my thoughts because she might think "what's the point of saying all these when you can't even appreciate what's in front of you?". yes, i am afraid even though most likely i know mom will not think that way.

she has done so much for me and has tried her best to see to my needs. she misses what she calls the "good ol' times" - when i was still in pri sch and younger and clingy and all. i got her worried sick during my difficult periods and yet she saw me through them. she may not be perfect, like all of us, but i love my mommy for everything she has done for me. even if she didn't, i know she cares and tries to help.

one of the things i fear most is that one day she'll be gone and i'll cry my eyes out (seriously) because i know i have not done enough to show her that i appreciate, i love and i care for her. maybe i am trying, but i am not trying hard enough.
bee at 3:00 PM